quarantine graduated
i began to write this in the final week(s) of my m.a. program. which was ridiculous because of the huge amount of writing i had to finish up that week, but i had a lot on my mind and my heart. obviously i didn't have the capacity to finish it then, so here it is now. this might be a long one, cuz it's been a long time since i've let myself sit and reflect.
on monday of this week, i finished the last round of revisions on my thesis. after i emailed it to my advisor for the final feedback, i sobbed as the gravity of this time in my life hit me.
i have written a thesis about Lao American experiences. by the end of this month, i will have graduated. i'll have those lil letters after my name, "m.a.". i'll enter a phd program. i did that. WE did that.
the people who raised me
the people who had hopes and dreams for me
the badass people who taught me
anyone who helped me out
the people who had hopes and dreams for me
the badass people who taught me
anyone who helped me out
anyone who cheered me on
the world of academia isn't perfect. it is still a heavily colonized, white space, that wasn't created for me, with me in mind. sometimes it produces information on our communities that is inaccurate and harmful. but my presence in this space is special to me, not because of the degrees i'll receive or what i may achieve. my community is with me in this space. my elders are with me in this space. i'll make this space ours. and i'm okay with being here if it means that i contribute to the uplifting and supporting of my community with the resources i have the privilege of accessing.
and i know that it's going to take a lot of grounding and re-grounding over and over again through this process. reminding myself to be intentional about how and what i write and share. that we can make our own rules. because sometimes i'll forget and it'll become more about meeting this deadline, this requirement, producing this amount of work, turning in this assignment, finishing this degree,,,
throughout this process of getting my m.a. and writing my thesis, i continue to learn from my peers and my professors and their knowledge and lived experiences. and it makes me think more and more and more about what needs to be examined more in my own work.
i'm proud of my thesis. because i did the best i could with what i knew and what i had. and because i wrote it, and i love writing. but i also have insecurities about it. mostly about harming the community by not saying enough or doing enough to support them with the research and on the ground in the community. that's my biggest insecurity. especially because, as i learn more, i recognize that there are things that i'm going to leave out. but i have to be okay with that, and to make room for necessary and inevitable growth. and so, i am working on accepting that this work, like all our work should be as we learn and unlearn, will be a work-in-progress.
as my time in this program draws to a close, i reflect back on the experiences i had. the past year or so, and the majority of my time in this program hasn't turned out as anyone expected. i think i'm still processing how i feel about spending the majority of my m.a. program on zoom university. i'm glad that i got to meet some of my classmates and professors in person before we went remote, because seeing them on the screen every week afterwards felt like a little reunion with someone who was familiar. maybe its because i don't know any different or because i adapted quickly to our "new normal", but i don't really feel like i missed out on or regret anything about this educational experience. maybe because i knew that this happened out of a necessity to keep everyone safe. quarantine was a lot of things for me, maybe that's another blog post though.
anyone who's ever touched my life, even a little bit...
made this possible. i didn't do any of this on my own.
the world of academia isn't perfect. it is still a heavily colonized, white space, that wasn't created for me, with me in mind. sometimes it produces information on our communities that is inaccurate and harmful. but my presence in this space is special to me, not because of the degrees i'll receive or what i may achieve. my community is with me in this space. my elders are with me in this space. i'll make this space ours. and i'm okay with being here if it means that i contribute to the uplifting and supporting of my community with the resources i have the privilege of accessing.
and i know that it's going to take a lot of grounding and re-grounding over and over again through this process. reminding myself to be intentional about how and what i write and share. that we can make our own rules. because sometimes i'll forget and it'll become more about meeting this deadline, this requirement, producing this amount of work, turning in this assignment, finishing this degree,,,
throughout this process of getting my m.a. and writing my thesis, i continue to learn from my peers and my professors and their knowledge and lived experiences. and it makes me think more and more and more about what needs to be examined more in my own work.
i'm proud of my thesis. because i did the best i could with what i knew and what i had. and because i wrote it, and i love writing. but i also have insecurities about it. mostly about harming the community by not saying enough or doing enough to support them with the research and on the ground in the community. that's my biggest insecurity. especially because, as i learn more, i recognize that there are things that i'm going to leave out. but i have to be okay with that, and to make room for necessary and inevitable growth. and so, i am working on accepting that this work, like all our work should be as we learn and unlearn, will be a work-in-progress.
as my time in this program draws to a close, i reflect back on the experiences i had. the past year or so, and the majority of my time in this program hasn't turned out as anyone expected. i think i'm still processing how i feel about spending the majority of my m.a. program on zoom university. i'm glad that i got to meet some of my classmates and professors in person before we went remote, because seeing them on the screen every week afterwards felt like a little reunion with someone who was familiar. maybe its because i don't know any different or because i adapted quickly to our "new normal", but i don't really feel like i missed out on or regret anything about this educational experience. maybe because i knew that this happened out of a necessity to keep everyone safe. quarantine was a lot of things for me, maybe that's another blog post though.
during all of this, i experienced the most difficult and painful year of my personal life. it's forced me to rethink my personal values and relationships. i'm having a hard time not letting it color my accomplishments this year. i haven't been in the mood to celebrate. and i share this not to elicit sympathy, but because i wonder aloud and on this page, how the fuck i even accomplished anything under these circumstances. our minds and our bodies are strong. even when they shouldn't have to be.
i have to thank my best friends who have been at my side through all the events of these past two years. through the past 15+ years really, cuz that's how deep we are. this year of quarantine was scary, confusing, and difficult for us all in different ways. while i'm sad that my time in texas was cut short, i'm glad that i was able to stay near my friends at this time. i needed that more than i realized. because i can always count on them. whether or not they knew exactly what was going on or how i was feeling, they supported me. they surrounded me with safety, comfort, and joy. i love my friends-turned-family.
our socially-distanced, masked, quarantine-pod activities are highlights of my year and gave me bursts of energy. we safely celebrated so many beautiful life events together. and i think that this time made our bonds stronger, through a lot of commiserating and virtual hugs in a very busy group chat. i am so grateful 💖 i'm not sure how i would have fared without them this year.
anyways, i have a masters' degree now. and i have to remember to pat myself on the back for achieving my own version of success.
m.a.
curriculum and instruction
- cultural studies in education -
in a world where the number of Lao Americans with masters' degrees is small, but growing, this is a significant accomplishment for me. for us. i chose to study education for lots of reasons. because i saw that schooling was more harmful than educational at times. because what we already knew and what our parents and grandparents knew was not valued in our classrooms. and because not everyone had access to the types of education that they wanted to pursue. education, whether it's in school or in our homes and communities, has such a big influence on who we are and who become/are becoming. and that's important to think about.
i have a masters' degree. congrats to me. congrats to the class of 2020 and the class of 2021. congrats to
those who have degrees in the game of life, in the streets, in failure, in community, in parenting, in daughtering. in everything! we did it! through a funky ass year.
thank you for your support. thank you for reading. i love you all.
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